BURNT

DVD

LIVING ROOM

Stars: Bradley Cooper, Sienna Miller, Daniel Bruhl

My brother made me watch this film because he's a chef and this is a film about chefs. It is also a film for people for whom food is the ultimate art form. Bradley Cooper plays a sort of Van Gogh of chefs who has gone mad, smashed everything up and become an oyster shucker in New Orleans. In 3 years he shucks one million oysters. That's a shitload of oysters, close on a 1000 a day for three years imcluding Sundays. We know because he has recorded the shucking of each oyster in a small note book. When he shucks his millionth oyster, we are invlited to watch him write the number 1,000,000 in his very small notebook. Let's say it took half a second to write each number on the basis that the early numbers didn't take very long but when he got to about 100,000, the time taken to write each number increased by a quarter of a second. If a thousand seconds is about 16 minutes, then a million seconds is about 16,000 minutes. This is 270 hours or nigh on 22 twelve hour days. He would also need more than 200 A5 notebooks. Some penance, and that's without the oyster shucking itself.

This oyster shucking has the effect of driving him even madder than he was already so he goes to London and opens the best restaurant in the world. He doesn't seem to require any money to do anything which makes his life a bit easier.

Most memorable scene:

Sienna Miller is a super sous chef who thinks that Cooper is a pig because he rants and shouts all the time in between throwing plates of food at the kitchen walls. Milleer accidentally over cooks a piece of turbot.

                                                                   COOPER
                                                                 ( alarmingly calm)

                                                                   What have you done to this fish?

                                                                   MILLER
                                                                   I cooked it.

                                                                  COOPER
                                                                  ( Louder but still apparently calm)

                                                                  I said, what have you done to this fish?

                                                                  MILLER

                                                                  As I said, I cooked it.

                                                                  COOPER
                                                                  ( scary mocking tone)

                                                                 You cooked it. That's what you did is it?

Cooper turns away from the camera in order to prepare himself. He turns back towards the camera, eyes bulging, spittle spraying out of his mouth, hair matted to his forehead. He advances on Miller, looming over her like a rabid bear.

                                                                COOPER ( CONT.)

                                                               You didn't cook it, you destroyed it. You made its
                                                                death pointless...

MILLER backs away, terrified. COOPER closes in on her, frothing and ranting.

                                                               COOPER ( CONT)

                                                              Say sorry to the fish.

                                                             MILLER
                                                            ( Terrified but trying not to laugh)

                                                              No.

                                                              COOPER
                                                             ( Threatening viiolence)

                                                              I said, say sorry to the fish.

                                                               MILLER

                                                             Alright, I'm sorry fish.


                                                              COOPER
                                                              ( apoplectic with rage)

                                                            Not to me, to the fish!!!!!!

If you still want to see this film, that's your business.

WHAT WE DID ON OUR HOLIDAYS
DVD
VENUE: LIVING ROOM.
LEGROOM: TOLERABLE
TIME: LATE/MIDNIGHT.


Mt wife wanted to watch this as she saw it before at the cinema for some reason and I didn't know about it. She obviously went with somebody else. I have no idea who. As I haven't been on holiday for eight years, I wasn't very keen. The last thing I wanted to see was a film about people enjoying themselves somewhere far away from where they normally live, probably with a beach, and spectacular scenery, and a beach bar, and sunshine.
Happily it is not a film  about people enjoying themselves. It stars David Tennant, looking annoyingly like David Tennant, Rosamund Pike who I can't forgive for appearing in Jack Reacher and Ben Stiller, I mean Miller, who was in Johnny English and a BarclayCard advert. He also wears inappropriate shorts and looks as if he might well wear the same shorts even when he isn't acting. Billy Connolly is also in it with a trio of really rather good child actors.
In a nutshell this is what happens.

Tennant and Pike are an annoyingly well off married couple with three ridiculously precocious children who somehow manage not to be too annoying. Pike and Tennant are getting divorced because he's a prat and she's a bitch. They decide to pretend not to be divorced for the duration of a trip to Scotland to celebrate the birthday of Tennant's dad ( Billy Connolly), who is dying. On the trip up they row a lot and the children make unlikely witty remarks. Upon arrival in Scotland at Tennant's brother's mansion ( Miller), we meet Billy who is an old hippie who once played football for Scotland, Miller himself, an even bigger prat than Tennant, and Miller's wife, who's mad. They also have a son whose not very important to the plot. There is going to be a big party with a marquee and lots of posh guests are coming.

EXT. MARQUEE. AFTERNOON.

Tennant and Miller are running about looking for Connolly and the children who should have returned from a trip to the beach some time ago.

                                                                   TENNANT ( to nobody in particular)
                                                    
                                                                  Have you seen dad and the kids?

                                                                    RANDOM PERSON

                                                                  Who are you?

                                                                    MILLER

                                                                  Why are you asking the caterer where dad is?
                                                                  Are you an idiot?

                                                                    TENNANT

                                                                  Who are you calling an idiot? You're a banker.

Pike runs up to them wearing a white wedding dress for no reason. She looks angry.

                                                                       PIKE


                                                                 Why are you two idiots arguing? I can't find the
                                                                 children.

CUT TO:

Idylllic beach on the West Coast of Scotland. Billy Connolly buried up to his head in sand. Three young children searching for even more sand so they can cover his head. Billy pretends to be dead. The children panic and then Billy sits up suddenly, only mildly scaring them.

                                                                 BILLY

                                                               Ha ha, Och aye and hoots mon. Was that nae hilarious?
                                                               I used to be a comedian, you know.



                                                              ALL THREE CHILDREN

                                                              That wasn't funny grandad. We thought you were dead.

                                                               BILLY

                                                              Well if I do die, I want you all to give me a
                                                              proper Viking funeral. Push me out to sea in a boat
                                                              and set fire to me.

                                                              ALL THREE CHILDREN

                                                             Really grandad, can we?

                                                                BILLY

                                                             Oh aye. I don't want to be buried by my stuck up
                                                             son.

A few minutes later:
Billy still buried up to his head in sand pretending to be dead again.

                                                             ALL THREE CHILDREN
                                           
                                                            It's not funny anymore grandad. You only just
                                                            did that joke.

A minute or so later.

                                                            ALL THREE CHILDREN

                                                           Come on grandad, stop messing about.

Two minutes later.

                                                            OLDEST GIRL CHILD

                                                         I think he's dead. He's not breathing.


                                                            OTHER TWO CHILDREN

                                                       Let's build a boat and set fire to him.

                                              
All three children, showing extraordinary survival skills, certainly good enough to impress Bear Grylls, successfully build a raft, learn to drive, use ancient Eygptian pyramid building techniques to roll their dead grandad onto the raft, tow the raft out to sea and miraculously find a can of petrol and some matches.


Some time later.

The children turn up at the marquee with the party in full flow.

                                                              PIKE

                                                     Children, where have you been, we've been worried
                                                     about you although not worried enough to actually look
                                                     for you. Is grandad with you?

                                                           OLDEST GIRL CHILD

                                                    Grandad's dead.

                                                           TENNANT

                                                     Grandad's dead?

                                                          MILLER

                                                     Dead? He can't be dead. The party has only just
                                                    started and Lord Buffoon is coming.

                                                        ALL THREE CHILDREN

                                                   We built a raft and pushed him out to sea and set fire
                                                   to him.


This is the way I want to go. If anybody comes across me dead, please build a raft, push me out to sea and set fire to me. I think Billy should count himself lucky.



            

BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE.

VENUE: CINEWORLD, BRAINTREE. TIME 5.10PM.

SCREEN MOSTLY EMPTY. GOOD. LOTS OF LEGROOM.

RUNNING TIME: LONG. NOT FAR OFF TWO AND HALF HOURS.

Scene one:

Superman saves the world from spindly alien vessel borrowed from War of the Worlds. Apparently aliens are actually Kryptonians left over from Man of Steel. This requires some prior knowledge.

Meanwhile:

Bruce Wayne ( aka Batman), having passed his WWF audition and only just managing to find a suit big enough, saves a Wayne worker from death by lifting a giant girder off his crushed legs and then, seeing another photo opportunity, saves a little girl from a falling building. All this following a sort of car chase through Manhattan in a new Jeep, demonstrating that vehicle’s ruggedness in the face of adversity, and a particularly vivid homage to 9/11 in which he is engulfed by dust.

Then some other things happen which I have already forgotten about.

Cut to:

INT. THE BAT CAVE. POSSIBLY NIGHT

Alfred, Batman’s trusty man-servant is building something scientific. The batcave isn’t very bat-like. It looks like Tony Stark’s underground lab from Ironman. If it is, then it is a good way of saving money on set design. Alfred is a handsome older gent in shirt sleeves and a Turnbull and Asser shirt with red braces. He looks a lot like the uber-villain Simon from Die Hard 3 crossed with a hedge fund manager.

                                                                                BATMAN

                                                           Alfred, have you finished making my

                                                           New bat suit yet?

                                                                                ALFRED

                                                         Yus, b’lady. I mean, yes Master Bruce. It only

                                                         Weighs seven tons. I particularly like the boots.

                                                         They have six inch foam platforms and will make you

                                                         Look like a teenage girl with a Goth fixation. From the

                                                         Waist up you will look like the Mountain from

                                                         Game of Thrones.

                                                                              BATMAN

                                                      Very good, Alfred. That is exactly

                                                      The look I have been going for. What do you

                                                      Think of my chin?

Meanwhile somewhere in the desert.

EXT. DESERT. DAY.

For no particular reason, intrepid investigative reporter Amy Adams, played by Superman’s girlfriend, Lois Lane, is interviewing Osama Bin Laden’s slightly less photogenic brother surrounded by armed men with big guns. The men have oily slicked back hair and are wearing sunglasses. They don’t look like terrorists, they look like Colombian drug dealers rescued from the set of Michael Mann’s ill fated sequel, Miami Vice 2: Who Forgot to Shred the Paperwork? Suddenly everybody gets killed by the Colombians except for Lois Lane who is rescued by Superman. For some reason the world thinks that Superman did all the killing, eschewing his usual methods and adopting to use conventional weaponry for the sake of the plot.

CUT TO:

Batman getting very angry about how evil Superman is

INT. THE BATCAVE. DAY OR NIGHT: WHO CARES.

                                                                          ALFRED

                                                          I don’t think Superman did this, you know.

                                                          He’s saved a lot of us humans in the past and

                                                          He looks a lot like that nice reporter, Clark Kent, who

                                                          Works for The Daily Planet.

Batman hasn’t shaved for several days and his chin looks like an anvil that’s been dipped in iron filings. He is very angry indeed.

                                                                       BATMAN

                                                            Don’t mention The Daily Planet to me. They’re

                                                            Just a bunch of little girls who think Superman’s

                                                           Great because he wears his pants outside his

                                                           Trousers. If there is just a one per cent chance that

                                                            He is evil, then I must DESTROY him!

                                                                            ALFRED

                                                  

                                                           Steady, Master Wayne. He’s much stronger

                                                           Than you. Only Krpytonite can harm him. Every

                                                           Body knows that.

CUT TO:

A shot of a very young hippy-like dude in a light blue suit with long brown hair not unlike Madonna’s in her 1990s Vogue phase. His trousers are slightly too short for him and he is wearing trainers because, obviously, he can’t afford a decent pair of brogues. Despite the Madonna haircut, there is little doubt that he is, in fact, Facebook founder and tax swindler, Mark Zuckerberg, now masquerading as evil super criminal, Lex Luthor. We are supposed to know that he is evil incarnate because he is referred to, tellingly, by a simpering hostess, as a “ bibliophile.” This is obviously something even more heinous than a paedophile and sparks low groans of dismay from the meagre audience. Meanwhile the despicable bibliophile is busy stealing some Kryptonite from the bed of the Indian Ocean without the aid of any kind of meaningful plot or exposition. The man stealing the Kryptonite looks like Jorah Mormont, still searching for the Mother of Dragons, but making do with the lesser prize of a giant chunk of Kryptonite instead.

CUT TO:

Lots of other stuff shot mainly in the dark.

CUT TO:

A party in a penthouse. A very attractive young woman with long chestnut hair looks knowingly into the camera. Based upon the trailer, this may or may not be Wonder Woman. Why she is where she is and where she comes from nobody knows or asks. Unsurprisingly she catches Bruce Wayne’s eye.

                                                                       BATMAN ( AS BRUCE WAYNE)

                                                                I’ve met a lot of women like you.

                                                                       WONDER WOMAN

                                                               You’ve never met a woman like me.

Wonder Woman sashays off.

                                                                       BATMAN ( AS BRUCE WAYNE)

                                                                       ( shouts after her)

                                          

                                                               Yes, I have, you stuck up bitch.

Random scene. The trouble with Martha.

Who could have foretold that both Superman and Batman would have a mother called Martha? The evil Lex Luthor kidnaps the Superman Martha and threatens to kill her unless Superman kills Batman and rids Gotham of the bat menace.

CUT TO:

Epic fight scene between Batman and Superman. Batman has stolen the Kryptonite from Luthor and hedge fund manager Alfred has turned into an array of startlingly inefficient Bat weapons, the most effective of which could be the one that looks like the staff of Ra from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Fortunately for Superman, Lois Lane throws it into a swimming pool before Batman can stick it into Superman’s chest.

Meanwhile:

Lex Luthor breaks into the spindly Kryptonian vessel which is being housed in a big warehouse in the middle of New York because it is not dangerous at all and poses no kind of threat to the sort of people for whom collapsing buildings, deadly dust storms and human sized homicidal bats are barely worth discussing around the water cooler.

Once inside the alien vessel, Luthor, with the aid of General Zod’s fingerprints, takes control of a technology so advanced that the ship’s computer alone holds the combined wisdom of a hundred thousand civilisations. This is not enough to stop the man who inflicted Facebook on the world and very soon he has created a demonic creature that feasts on energy and looks nearly as scary as the Balrog from Lord of the Rings.

Meanwhile:

Batman and Superman have made friends after discovering that both their mothers were christened Martha and, with the help of Wonder Woman, who has changed into her Xena Warrior Princess evening wear, they take on the Balrog.

Superman dies or does he? The end.

                                                                   

Reg's First Blog Post

This is my first ever blog post and I don't care.