BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE.

VENUE: CINEWORLD, BRAINTREE. TIME 5.10PM.

SCREEN MOSTLY EMPTY. GOOD. LOTS OF LEGROOM.

RUNNING TIME: LONG. NOT FAR OFF TWO AND HALF HOURS.

Scene one:

Superman saves the world from spindly alien vessel borrowed from War of the Worlds. Apparently aliens are actually Kryptonians left over from Man of Steel. This requires some prior knowledge.

Meanwhile:

Bruce Wayne ( aka Batman), having passed his WWF audition and only just managing to find a suit big enough, saves a Wayne worker from death by lifting a giant girder off his crushed legs and then, seeing another photo opportunity, saves a little girl from a falling building. All this following a sort of car chase through Manhattan in a new Jeep, demonstrating that vehicle’s ruggedness in the face of adversity, and a particularly vivid homage to 9/11 in which he is engulfed by dust.

Then some other things happen which I have already forgotten about.

Cut to:

INT. THE BAT CAVE. POSSIBLY NIGHT

Alfred, Batman’s trusty man-servant is building something scientific. The batcave isn’t very bat-like. It looks like Tony Stark’s underground lab from Ironman. If it is, then it is a good way of saving money on set design. Alfred is a handsome older gent in shirt sleeves and a Turnbull and Asser shirt with red braces. He looks a lot like the uber-villain Simon from Die Hard 3 crossed with a hedge fund manager.

                                                                                BATMAN

                                                           Alfred, have you finished making my

                                                           New bat suit yet?

                                                                                ALFRED

                                                         Yus, b’lady. I mean, yes Master Bruce. It only

                                                         Weighs seven tons. I particularly like the boots.

                                                         They have six inch foam platforms and will make you

                                                         Look like a teenage girl with a Goth fixation. From the

                                                         Waist up you will look like the Mountain from

                                                         Game of Thrones.

                                                                              BATMAN

                                                      Very good, Alfred. That is exactly

                                                      The look I have been going for. What do you

                                                      Think of my chin?

Meanwhile somewhere in the desert.

EXT. DESERT. DAY.

For no particular reason, intrepid investigative reporter Amy Adams, played by Superman’s girlfriend, Lois Lane, is interviewing Osama Bin Laden’s slightly less photogenic brother surrounded by armed men with big guns. The men have oily slicked back hair and are wearing sunglasses. They don’t look like terrorists, they look like Colombian drug dealers rescued from the set of Michael Mann’s ill fated sequel, Miami Vice 2: Who Forgot to Shred the Paperwork? Suddenly everybody gets killed by the Colombians except for Lois Lane who is rescued by Superman. For some reason the world thinks that Superman did all the killing, eschewing his usual methods and adopting to use conventional weaponry for the sake of the plot.

CUT TO:

Batman getting very angry about how evil Superman is

INT. THE BATCAVE. DAY OR NIGHT: WHO CARES.

                                                                          ALFRED

                                                          I don’t think Superman did this, you know.

                                                          He’s saved a lot of us humans in the past and

                                                          He looks a lot like that nice reporter, Clark Kent, who

                                                          Works for The Daily Planet.

Batman hasn’t shaved for several days and his chin looks like an anvil that’s been dipped in iron filings. He is very angry indeed.

                                                                       BATMAN

                                                            Don’t mention The Daily Planet to me. They’re

                                                            Just a bunch of little girls who think Superman’s

                                                           Great because he wears his pants outside his

                                                           Trousers. If there is just a one per cent chance that

                                                            He is evil, then I must DESTROY him!

                                                                            ALFRED

                                                  

                                                           Steady, Master Wayne. He’s much stronger

                                                           Than you. Only Krpytonite can harm him. Every

                                                           Body knows that.

CUT TO:

A shot of a very young hippy-like dude in a light blue suit with long brown hair not unlike Madonna’s in her 1990s Vogue phase. His trousers are slightly too short for him and he is wearing trainers because, obviously, he can’t afford a decent pair of brogues. Despite the Madonna haircut, there is little doubt that he is, in fact, Facebook founder and tax swindler, Mark Zuckerberg, now masquerading as evil super criminal, Lex Luthor. We are supposed to know that he is evil incarnate because he is referred to, tellingly, by a simpering hostess, as a “ bibliophile.” This is obviously something even more heinous than a paedophile and sparks low groans of dismay from the meagre audience. Meanwhile the despicable bibliophile is busy stealing some Kryptonite from the bed of the Indian Ocean without the aid of any kind of meaningful plot or exposition. The man stealing the Kryptonite looks like Jorah Mormont, still searching for the Mother of Dragons, but making do with the lesser prize of a giant chunk of Kryptonite instead.

CUT TO:

Lots of other stuff shot mainly in the dark.

CUT TO:

A party in a penthouse. A very attractive young woman with long chestnut hair looks knowingly into the camera. Based upon the trailer, this may or may not be Wonder Woman. Why she is where she is and where she comes from nobody knows or asks. Unsurprisingly she catches Bruce Wayne’s eye.

                                                                       BATMAN ( AS BRUCE WAYNE)

                                                                I’ve met a lot of women like you.

                                                                       WONDER WOMAN

                                                               You’ve never met a woman like me.

Wonder Woman sashays off.

                                                                       BATMAN ( AS BRUCE WAYNE)

                                                                       ( shouts after her)

                                          

                                                               Yes, I have, you stuck up bitch.

Random scene. The trouble with Martha.

Who could have foretold that both Superman and Batman would have a mother called Martha? The evil Lex Luthor kidnaps the Superman Martha and threatens to kill her unless Superman kills Batman and rids Gotham of the bat menace.

CUT TO:

Epic fight scene between Batman and Superman. Batman has stolen the Kryptonite from Luthor and hedge fund manager Alfred has turned into an array of startlingly inefficient Bat weapons, the most effective of which could be the one that looks like the staff of Ra from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Fortunately for Superman, Lois Lane throws it into a swimming pool before Batman can stick it into Superman’s chest.

Meanwhile:

Lex Luthor breaks into the spindly Kryptonian vessel which is being housed in a big warehouse in the middle of New York because it is not dangerous at all and poses no kind of threat to the sort of people for whom collapsing buildings, deadly dust storms and human sized homicidal bats are barely worth discussing around the water cooler.

Once inside the alien vessel, Luthor, with the aid of General Zod’s fingerprints, takes control of a technology so advanced that the ship’s computer alone holds the combined wisdom of a hundred thousand civilisations. This is not enough to stop the man who inflicted Facebook on the world and very soon he has created a demonic creature that feasts on energy and looks nearly as scary as the Balrog from Lord of the Rings.

Meanwhile:

Batman and Superman have made friends after discovering that both their mothers were christened Martha and, with the help of Wonder Woman, who has changed into her Xena Warrior Princess evening wear, they take on the Balrog.

Superman dies or does he? The end.