WHAT WE DID ON OUR HOLIDAYS
DVD
VENUE: LIVING ROOM.
LEGROOM: TOLERABLE
TIME: LATE/MIDNIGHT.


Mt wife wanted to watch this as she saw it before at the cinema for some reason and I didn't know about it. She obviously went with somebody else. I have no idea who. As I haven't been on holiday for eight years, I wasn't very keen. The last thing I wanted to see was a film about people enjoying themselves somewhere far away from where they normally live, probably with a beach, and spectacular scenery, and a beach bar, and sunshine.
Happily it is not a film  about people enjoying themselves. It stars David Tennant, looking annoyingly like David Tennant, Rosamund Pike who I can't forgive for appearing in Jack Reacher and Ben Stiller, I mean Miller, who was in Johnny English and a BarclayCard advert. He also wears inappropriate shorts and looks as if he might well wear the same shorts even when he isn't acting. Billy Connolly is also in it with a trio of really rather good child actors.
In a nutshell this is what happens.

Tennant and Pike are an annoyingly well off married couple with three ridiculously precocious children who somehow manage not to be too annoying. Pike and Tennant are getting divorced because he's a prat and she's a bitch. They decide to pretend not to be divorced for the duration of a trip to Scotland to celebrate the birthday of Tennant's dad ( Billy Connolly), who is dying. On the trip up they row a lot and the children make unlikely witty remarks. Upon arrival in Scotland at Tennant's brother's mansion ( Miller), we meet Billy who is an old hippie who once played football for Scotland, Miller himself, an even bigger prat than Tennant, and Miller's wife, who's mad. They also have a son whose not very important to the plot. There is going to be a big party with a marquee and lots of posh guests are coming.

EXT. MARQUEE. AFTERNOON.

Tennant and Miller are running about looking for Connolly and the children who should have returned from a trip to the beach some time ago.

                                                                   TENNANT ( to nobody in particular)
                                                    
                                                                  Have you seen dad and the kids?

                                                                    RANDOM PERSON

                                                                  Who are you?

                                                                    MILLER

                                                                  Why are you asking the caterer where dad is?
                                                                  Are you an idiot?

                                                                    TENNANT

                                                                  Who are you calling an idiot? You're a banker.

Pike runs up to them wearing a white wedding dress for no reason. She looks angry.

                                                                       PIKE


                                                                 Why are you two idiots arguing? I can't find the
                                                                 children.

CUT TO:

Idylllic beach on the West Coast of Scotland. Billy Connolly buried up to his head in sand. Three young children searching for even more sand so they can cover his head. Billy pretends to be dead. The children panic and then Billy sits up suddenly, only mildly scaring them.

                                                                 BILLY

                                                               Ha ha, Och aye and hoots mon. Was that nae hilarious?
                                                               I used to be a comedian, you know.



                                                              ALL THREE CHILDREN

                                                              That wasn't funny grandad. We thought you were dead.

                                                               BILLY

                                                              Well if I do die, I want you all to give me a
                                                              proper Viking funeral. Push me out to sea in a boat
                                                              and set fire to me.

                                                              ALL THREE CHILDREN

                                                             Really grandad, can we?

                                                                BILLY

                                                             Oh aye. I don't want to be buried by my stuck up
                                                             son.

A few minutes later:
Billy still buried up to his head in sand pretending to be dead again.

                                                             ALL THREE CHILDREN
                                           
                                                            It's not funny anymore grandad. You only just
                                                            did that joke.

A minute or so later.

                                                            ALL THREE CHILDREN

                                                           Come on grandad, stop messing about.

Two minutes later.

                                                            OLDEST GIRL CHILD

                                                         I think he's dead. He's not breathing.


                                                            OTHER TWO CHILDREN

                                                       Let's build a boat and set fire to him.

                                              
All three children, showing extraordinary survival skills, certainly good enough to impress Bear Grylls, successfully build a raft, learn to drive, use ancient Eygptian pyramid building techniques to roll their dead grandad onto the raft, tow the raft out to sea and miraculously find a can of petrol and some matches.


Some time later.

The children turn up at the marquee with the party in full flow.

                                                              PIKE

                                                     Children, where have you been, we've been worried
                                                     about you although not worried enough to actually look
                                                     for you. Is grandad with you?

                                                           OLDEST GIRL CHILD

                                                    Grandad's dead.

                                                           TENNANT

                                                     Grandad's dead?

                                                          MILLER

                                                     Dead? He can't be dead. The party has only just
                                                    started and Lord Buffoon is coming.

                                                        ALL THREE CHILDREN

                                                   We built a raft and pushed him out to sea and set fire
                                                   to him.


This is the way I want to go. If anybody comes across me dead, please build a raft, push me out to sea and set fire to me. I think Billy should count himself lucky.